My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize