Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
