Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
