I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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