I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
