Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
