do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Randomize
