I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
