So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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