I think I won the penis lottery.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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