seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
