a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
