Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
