My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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