If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
