Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
