I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
