I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
did i just pee glitter
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
