I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
