how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
time to smoke my breakfast
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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