he shaved USA in his pubs
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
