apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
