3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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