god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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