I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
