**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
