Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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