Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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