The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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