i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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