I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
