Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize