She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
