respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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