and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
