You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Randomize
