I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
