I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize