Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
