You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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