Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
