I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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