i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
