i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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