Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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