Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
