His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I intend to get homeless drunk
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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