i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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