Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
