I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
