I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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