I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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