do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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