do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
