benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I think I just sharted jello shots
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
