Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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