if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
