Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
