That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
