Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
