I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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