So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she told me i tasted like america
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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