Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
