i just wanna soil my oats bro
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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