I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
