I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
