You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
