we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
