New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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