He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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