Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
