Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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